I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
You Might Also Like
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Good dog. ❤️
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.