an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
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Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Ah..makes sense now
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.