I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
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I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
He a real one for that
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
This did not end as expected.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em