Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
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doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Yes, this is exactly right
Kids: Stay in school.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.