Unsolicited sandwich pics.
You Might Also Like
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?