I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
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Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Chemical wingman
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Wait a minute…
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.