The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
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Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here