Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.