[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
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I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1