I have a black belt in leather
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A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.