INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
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How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper