There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
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I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]