I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
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People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.