her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
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Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO