And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
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A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?