Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
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My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues