[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
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Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
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“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
won’t smith
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.