Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
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“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did šš¤£
I entered my Chihuahua in an āugliest dogā contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasnāt shaved in three days because of masks*: Iāll talk louder.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’sā omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir