Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
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I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks