Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
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2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
my sentiments exactly
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing