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I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
She: I like Cats
He:
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
A new level of troll.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
good let them take over I have had enough
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.