this has to be peak English
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I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Never forget.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.