dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
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My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
the simulation is moving too fast
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious