Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
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I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.