I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
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When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for