I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
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Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Found the job I’m suited for
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Breaking news:
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building