The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
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wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
This story is comedy gold 😂
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Meowchelangelo
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.