Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
You Might Also Like
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?