[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
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I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
*ernest hemingway voice*
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.