yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
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Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.