So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
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Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Seductively sings in Klingon.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.