*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
We need to put an American base on the sun
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1