Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
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A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then