carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
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I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
A friend sent me this.