Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
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happy friday
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Battery falling down a hole
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe