Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
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*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.