I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
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Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
ATMs should have breathalyzers
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys