“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
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A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.