[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
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him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.