Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
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Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
The two types of wives
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.