At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
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I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]