If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
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Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.