Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
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Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
pictures of spider-man
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.