To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
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cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.