[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
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[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done