Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
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In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Is your wife single?
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Warm pools make me nervous.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here