BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
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Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus