Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
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HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.