Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
You Might Also Like
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
lmfao come on
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”