You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
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Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Life is a suicide mission.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.